PRAYING FOR HELP

1959

I peeked out the window. The yellow Cadillac sat like a preying mantis on the corner.  Ed was watching the house again.

          “I’m going to start picking Bronco up from school. I don’t know what Ed might do,” Mom said

          Mom glared at me, “You’re the one I’m really worried about because he hates you!”

My heart was heavy. When my mother said something to hurt me it always came as a shock to me.  I wanted to believe my mother loved me and would never want to cause me pain, but she was the biggest cause of my pain.

  Who was this woman who was becoming more of a stranger to me every day? I didn't think she cared for my welfare.

Mom never mentioned picking me up from school.

         
           I was increasingly afraid. 

 

          Mom said I couldn't lock my bedroom door so I opened the door of the bathroom, turned and locked the door.

          I was desperate. I knelt on the linoleum floor. "God please help us. Please protect us. 

In Jesus Name…Amen."

LIFE HAS SORROW AND MOM CHANGES HER MIND.

1959-1960

One night, Pye had a litter of kittens.  When I checked on her before I went to bed she had three kittens.  I was almost asleep when I felt her next to me.  When I turned on the light she had a kitten stuck half way out of her.  She was struggling.  "Mom, Pye is having problems having this kitten", I yelled.  Mom didn't come into my room; she just yelled back, “Don’t pull on the kitten."

  I didn’t know what to do.  I began praying, “Dear God, help Pye!”  I was sitting on the bed. Pye placed her head between my knees and pushed hard.  The kitten was born dead.  I cried as I wrapped up the little kitten. Pye went back to her litter of three.

          Mom broke it off with Ed again, but he wasn’t taking “no” for an answer. A couple of Mom’s friends from Beauty School were at the house when he showed up.  Mom tried to shut the door on him but he pushed his way in.

          “You’re coming with me!” he said as he proceeded to  pick her up bodily.

          One of Mom’s friends ran into the kitchen; came back running at Ed with an iron skillet.  Ed let go of Mom, but he swore he would be back, as he left.

         

A TERRIBLE NIGHT

1959

        

(I hesitated in sharing this bizarre happening. It traumatized me. Thank God He was watching over us...even though we were unaware of His protection.).

          The most bizarre night I had ever experienced happened a few days later, after discovering Mom and Ed at the carnival.

            Mom was sick; they thought she might have pneumonia. She had been staying in bed, taking medicine.

“Gloria, come in here.” Mom yelled,

          I walked into her bedroom.

          “Gloria, I want you to take Bronco somewhere for the night.”

          “What do you mean? “ (I couldn’t understand where she would want us to go. I was 15 yrs old, didn't have a drivers license…knew only one friend in Farmington. Take Bronco somewhere?)

          “I want you to leave for the night.  I am going to kill Deryl.  We are going to go for a walk.  I’m going to take a hammer and kill him.”

          The hair on the back of my neck stood on end. I was in shock.  What was she saying?

          “You don’t care anything about me anyway.    You and Bronco can have the insurance money...”
          She went on crazily.  I couldn’t believe my ears.

          I left the room and found Deryl. 

          “Deryl, please leave the house, I’m afraid she is going to hurt you.”

          “I’m not going anywhere,” Deryl said angrily, with a stone face.

          I was afraid.  My mother had gone crazy.  I called Aunt Ruby’s in Aztec.  I knew Grandma was visiting there.  I told her what Mom had said to me.

          “Call the doctor right away,” Grandma instructed.

          Deryl called the Doctor. The doctor  said he would be right over.

          It was a nightmare.  The doorbell rang.  Deryl answered the door and there was ‘Ed”!  Ed seemed to know something was wrong with Mom.  He and Deryl didn’t argue but they both headed for her bedroom. She wasn’t there.

They searched the house for her but couldn’t find her.  They went outside.

          I was standing in the kitchen.  Through the door, leading to the garage, I could hear strange breathing, like an animal.  I knew it was Mom.

          The doctor arrived, they took Mom into the bedroom and he gave her a shot.

          After the doctor and Ed left, I begged Deryl to leave.  I was afraid she might wake up and do something terrible.  He refused.

          All night I lay awake.  Listening, to make sure Mom didn’t hurt Deryl.

          The next morning I didn’t go to school.  I was relieved to see Deryl had left for work and Mom was still sleeping.

          I realized we didn’t have any milk or bread.  I was debating about walking to the convenience store. I decided it was too far.  The doorbell rang. It was Ed.  He took me to the 7-11 Convenience Store and bought the items we needed.  As we were returning to our house, I saw Deryl’s pickup in the driveway. The front door was open and Mom was chasing him out.  He left as if he was afraid.

          Deryl was gone.  Ed was back in Mom’s life and I was sick about it.

        Mom continued Beauty School.  We moved from the nice brick house into a cheaper adobe one.  No longer did I live close to my one friend. I was so sad and lonely. (I have no memory of the move from the nice brick house…I was traumatized.)

 

.

     

BETRAYED

BETRAYED

I was lonely at school.  It was a large school.  I didn’t know anyone until I finally met a girl on the school bus who lived down the street.

          Mom started Beauty School.  One night she didn’t come home from school.  Deryl cooked supper.  We ate and cleaned up.  Deryl was very quiet as we washed dishes.  I knew we were both wondering if she was with Ed.

          Mom had promised me she would no longer have anything to do with Ed. A few nights later my new friend and I went to a carnival not far from our house.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Mom was there with “Ed”! I felt betrayed.

          I had over heard Mom and Aunt Ruby talking about Ed. (Aunt Ruby and Uncle Bernard had moved to Aztec, ten miles from Farmington.)  Mom thought he might have been involved in something illegal.  When they realized I was listening they shut up.  I just knew this man was dangerous!  He had caused so much chaos in our lives!

       I couldn’t believe she was with him.  And Deryl was at home waiting for her! I was so angry!  I left the carnival.  She never saw me.

                   Of course…I never told Deryl.

            

Al ( another move) 1960

1960 ANOTHER MOVE

        A friend of mine introduced me to Al.  He was out of school and older then me.  He was very nice looking, light brown hair, side burns, a chiseled nose and light brown eyes.  He always wore western shirts, jeans and moccasins.  He was a carpenter.  He lived in a duplex with his twin sister and his father.  His father had been a doctor, but now he was non functioning: he was an alcoholic.  I soon learned that Al and his sister were supporting and caring for their father.  Al was very responsible, he worked, he cleaned their duplex and he cooked. I was very attracted to Al.

          Shortly after I met Al, Mom gave me an announcement:

          “We’re moving to Farmington, New Mexico.  Deryl has a job there and we’re going with him.”

          When we left Albuquerque I was hoping we would never see Ed again!

          We moved into a rented brick ranch house.  I loved my bedroom.  It was blue with lots of windows. The rest of the house was darker but my room was flooded with sunlight.  Pye's (my Siamese cat) favorite spot was the window ledge. She and I spent a lot of time in my room.

         

 

CAN I WAKE FROM THIS NIGHTMARE?

Uncle Darin was coming over more often.  He was becoming more belligerent with Mom.  When he was around her he called her some terrible names. She didn’t even seem to notice.  He was her little brother and she always loved him. It made me sad.  I did not like what he was saying.  But, I also was afraid of Uncle Darin.  When he drank, and he seemed to always be drinking, he was mean.

One night Uncle Darin, Ed and Deryl were in a drunken brawl. How they had all ended up at our house that night, I still do not know.  Part of the fight took place in the street in front of the house (right in front of our neighborhood).

  Deryl, Ed and Mom were arguing.  When Deryl ran outside. Darin tried to run over Deryl with his car.

"Oh God, protect Deryl," I prayed in my heart.

Mom, clothed in her negligee, was yelling and then she passed out. I went over and covered her up.

 The police arrived and broke it up. One of the neighbors must have called for help.

Would I ever wake up and find it had been a nightmare?

HE ALWAYS COMES

          Deryl came to the house.  Evidently Mom had called him. That night Mom and Deryl went out.  Bronco and I were in bed and I had actually fallen asleep when I heard a commotion.  Mom was applying ice to Deryl’s face.  Ed had tried to run them off the road with his yellow Cadillac.  He and Deryl got into a fight.  Deryl looked like he had lost the fight.    Ed showed up and the police were called.  Ed didn’t look too good either.  He had cuts all over his head where Mom had taken a beer can to him when he was on top of Deryl. The police told him to leave and he did.  Deryl stayed.

          I missed school the next day.

                                            ****

          Mom went through a time when she didn’t know if she wanted Ed or Deryl.  

          She came into my room one day.  She was definitely confused.

          “Ed says Deryl has never really loved me.”

          “That isn’t true Mom. Deryl loves you.”

          She didn’t seem to be listening to me.  I was only her 15-year-old daughter. So Mom, don’t ask advice from your child.

             

AN UNWANTED MARRIAGE

          Mom and Ed got married.  Bronco and I weren’t there but later I saw the pictures.  The marriage lasted nine days.

            On the evening of the ninth day Mom and Ed were drinking and got into a fight.  Ed jerked the phone off the wall and hit Mom in the head: knocking her out.  I ran across the street to the neighbor and they called the police.  The police took him away for the night.

                One thing that really bothered me was the look on Ed's face. "NOTHING!"

No emotion.

          I missed school the next day. 

TOTAL DISFUNCTION

                                 TOTAL DISFUNCTION

          My needs at home were not being met.  There was no security.  I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I found myself clinging more to Dave and he didn’t like it.  I gave him back his ring and we broke up.

          Dave's life and mine were like night and day. He had a good home life. His was functional. Mine was not. I felt no one cared about me.

          One thing that lasted out of our relationship was my Siamese cat, Pye.  Dave had given her to me when she was a kitten.  She was always there. When I cried she climbed into my lap to comfort me.  I knew she loved me and I knew Bronco did also (even though I would get angry and take my anger out on him...I did love him.) I also felt responsible for him.
          Around this time, I decided I liked animals better then people. They always loved you unconditionally. Would not abandon you. And they were always with you when you needed them. 

          Bronco tolerated Ed more then I did.  There were a few times when I was in my room and Ed came and sat on the bed to talk to me.  Boldness would rise up inside me and I would stand up against him with my words.  He would leave. I think his motive was to try to be my friend. But, I was not having any of it. I knew I could not trust this man.
        (The boldness always surprised me. I am a gentle person, but on occasions when I could have been harmed in some way: the boldness would arise.)
 ****************

          A bizarre thing happened.  Ed’s brother, his wife and baby came to our house and stayed a few days.  Ed’s brother had just gotten out of prison.  I really did feel sorry for the man; he seemed so broken in his spirit.  But I also was very uncomfortable after I found out he had been in prison. (I wasn’t told why he had been in prison.)
         Later on, I would hear Mom and Aunt Ruby speaking in hushed tones. When they saw I was listening, there would be glances between them, and then the subject would change. 
                What I had thought all along, would be confirmed.

DISLIKE OF A STRANGER

          The first time I met him I felt uneasy.  Darin (Mom's brother) had introduced him to Mom.  His name was Ed.  He was tall and nice looking, light brown hair and hazel eyes.  He drove a yellow Cadillac.  Mom was enthralled.

Ed became an item.  He took us out to eat and tried to be nice to me but for some reason I did not trust him.  Without even trying, there was boldness, like a wall, rising up inside me when it came to him.

One weekend Mom, Ed and Bronco went on a trip and left me with Grandma.  I kept thinking about living with Grandma.  I didn’t want to live at home anymore.  I also knew that Grandma didn’t have room for me in her living quarters behind her store.

Darin  (Mom's youngest brother) stopped by to see Grandma. I was watching television and I was laughing. I heard him say; "It's so good to hear laughter. We need more of that around here." (I had been afraid of Darin because of his drinking. This night he was sober. )   At that moment, I saw his sadness and hurt. My heart went out to him. I told him "good bye" when he left. I did not know the measure of sadness Darin carried, and how he would affect the family.   

When Mom came after me, Ed came in with her.  For some reason Mom and Grandma began arguing, I knew it had something to do with Ed.

      Although I knew he had tried, he had not charmed Grandma either. 

          “Wanda, if you keep this up you are going to ruin Gloria’s life!”

          “Gloria has already ruined my life” Mom shot back and walked out the door with Ed and Bronco following.  Grandma looked at me, I hesitated one minute and then I walked out the door behind my mother.

           

I was sitting in the back of the yellow Cadillac still reeling from Mom’s words; “Gloria has already ruined my life."  Mom, in the front passenger seat, held up her left hand so I could see the new diamond engagement ring she wore.

          (Mom never did apologize for what she had said about me. But, it stuck in my mind and heart.)

IT IS ALL TOO MUCH

                                   

The bus drove off after letting me off at the bus stop. My legs were heavy and my arms felt almost too weak to carry my books. I dragged my way home.

The following day was Career Day at Sandia High.  I started to say something to a friend and the words came out wrong.  A bright light began pulsating in my right eye and everything was blurry.  I walked to the nurse’s station. I tried to get the words out, but they didn't make sense.  She had me lay on a cot and  she called Mom.  When I got home I vomited and lay down with a terrible headache.  I never went to a doctor but we decided it was a migraine.

I definitely was not happy.  If I had felt insecure before Deryl left, now it was doubled.  I felt like I had not only lost Deryl but Mom also.  She just wasn’t there for Bronco and me.  She was into doing her own thing.  She had new friends and no time for us.

 I'm not sure if Dave knew what was going on in my life. I had the "Code of Silence" put on me. Mom said I was to never tell anything that was going on in our house. I never talked to Dave or any of my friends about what I was going through. I carried it alone.  

 ( In my senior year I finally told my friend Mary Lou…we talked late into the night.)

DIVORCE

          After we returned to Albuquerque, Mom and Deryl separated.  They were getting a divorce.  I had always told myself I didn’t like Deryl.  But now, there was something missing.  There was the feeling again of insecurity.  I missed him. I realized that Deryl had always been good to me. I couldn't remember an unkind word towards me.

Mom went to work.  I was put in charge of fixing supper.  She began going out at night to the Albuquerque nightspots.  She left me with Bronco.  I was responsible to know where Bronco was and to take care of him.  Mom told me if anyone called I was to tell them I was the babysitter not her daughter. I remember thinking she didn’t want anyone to know she had a daughter as old as me.  It was usually after 2AM in the morning before she came home.

Once more fear raised its ugly head.  Bronco was asleep in his room.  I listened for Mom’s car.  I was afraid to go to sleep.  What if someone came into the house?  One night, someone was whistling outside my window, but I was paralyzed with fear. I was unable to get up to see who it was.  Soon it quit and I never knew who it was. *****

I ran to the corner. But I was too late. The bus had already left.  I wasn’t getting enough sleep. I had overslept again. I could not concentrate at school.  Mom seemed to be unaware of what I was going through. She was too caught up in her own life.