PRAYING FOR HELP

1959

I peeked out the window. The yellow Cadillac sat like a preying mantis on the corner.  Ed was watching the house again.

          “I’m going to start picking Bronco up from school. I don’t know what Ed might do,” Mom said

          Mom glared at me, “You’re the one I’m really worried about because he hates you!”

My heart was heavy. When my mother said something to hurt me it always came as a shock to me.  I wanted to believe my mother loved me and would never want to cause me pain, but she was the biggest cause of my pain.

  Who was this woman who was becoming more of a stranger to me every day? I didn't think she cared for my welfare.

Mom never mentioned picking me up from school.

         
           I was increasingly afraid. 

 

          Mom said I couldn't lock my bedroom door so I opened the door of the bathroom, turned and locked the door.

          I was desperate. I knelt on the linoleum floor. "God please help us. Please protect us. 

In Jesus Name…Amen."

TOTAL DISFUNCTION

                                 TOTAL DISFUNCTION

          My needs at home were not being met.  There was no security.  I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I found myself clinging more to Dave and he didn’t like it.  I gave him back his ring and we broke up.

          Dave's life and mine were like night and day. He had a good home life. His was functional. Mine was not. I felt no one cared about me.

          One thing that lasted out of our relationship was my Siamese cat, Pye.  Dave had given her to me when she was a kitten.  She was always there. When I cried she climbed into my lap to comfort me.  I knew she loved me and I knew Bronco did also (even though I would get angry and take my anger out on him...I did love him.) I also felt responsible for him.
          Around this time, I decided I liked animals better then people. They always loved you unconditionally. Would not abandon you. And they were always with you when you needed them. 

          Bronco tolerated Ed more then I did.  There were a few times when I was in my room and Ed came and sat on the bed to talk to me.  Boldness would rise up inside me and I would stand up against him with my words.  He would leave. I think his motive was to try to be my friend. But, I was not having any of it. I knew I could not trust this man.
        (The boldness always surprised me. I am a gentle person, but on occasions when I could have been harmed in some way: the boldness would arise.)
 ****************

          A bizarre thing happened.  Ed’s brother, his wife and baby came to our house and stayed a few days.  Ed’s brother had just gotten out of prison.  I really did feel sorry for the man; he seemed so broken in his spirit.  But I also was very uncomfortable after I found out he had been in prison. (I wasn’t told why he had been in prison.)
         Later on, I would hear Mom and Aunt Ruby speaking in hushed tones. When they saw I was listening, there would be glances between them, and then the subject would change. 
                What I had thought all along, would be confirmed.

LEFT ALONE

IS IT ABANDONMENT…IS IT SAFE?

                         1955

         

          “Gloria, I want you to take care of Bronco this weekend.  Deryl has a truck run to Colorado, and I am going with him,” Mom announced one afternoon when I got home from school.

          My heart began to beat faster, “But...but.. Mom,” I stammered.

          “You don’t need to be afraid.  I have confidence in you.  You are a big girl now,” Mom persuaded.

           I thought back to the previous summer.  Mom, Bronco and I had driven to Colorado to meet Deryl between his truck deliveries.  We were staying in a motel that had an attached restaurant.

          “Gloria, I want to go with Deryl on his next run,” Mom had said, “You can take care of Bronco.  We already have the room in the motel.  I will leave you money for supper and breakfast, so you can eat at the restaurant.”

          “But Mom, we don’t know anyone in this town!” I argued, “I’m afraid for Bronco and I to stay overnight in the motel...alone.”

          Mom hadn’t insisted, even though I knew she was disappointed and unhappy with me. Now, I was faced with the same request and I felt just the same as I had then, even though we would be left at home and not a motel.

          “If it’ll make you feel any better, you can ask one of your friends to spend the night with you.  We’ll be gone Saturday and will be back late Sunday afternoon.”

          The following Saturday night, after Bronco was asleep, my friend and I laid in bed talking about school and the boys in our class.  My mind kept wandering.  I had an uneasy sadness. Part of me wanted to believe that my mother would never do anything to put her children at risk.  But my gut instincts told me that we were too young to be left alone.  I couldn’t understand how Mom could leave Bronco and me.  And, for some reason it bothered me more that she could leave my brother.

          Before Bronco was born, when I was only four, I could remember Mom telling me, “This baby will be your baby too!”  When my brother was born I was five years old.  I helped Mom change his diapers, and tried to help take care of him.  When he was a little older I would hold him while we traveled in the car.

          “Isn’t he too heavy for you Gloria,” Mom would say, as she smiled back at me from the front seat, “Don’t you want to put him down?”

          “No, I want to hold him,” I would answer.

          It was almost as if Bronco was “my baby too.” (Little did I know that over the following years Mom would increase my responsibility toward Bronco as our family became more and more dysfunctional.)

          On this Saturday night, when Bronco was seven and I was twelve, my feelings were ones of sadness and abandonment.  And this was only a foretaste of what we would experience in the coming years.     
 The responsibility would weigh me down.

.

INSECURITY

         

Just moved to Socorro. One of the times my hair was cut. The picture on the right reveals volumes.

          The springs squeaked as I turned over in my bed.  Bronco was sleeping peacefully across the room.  It was comforting to know he was there.  An emotion of protective love rose up in me as I watched his sleeping form.  I would always take care of him, I decided; he needed me.  I tossed restlessly on the bed and moved the wet part of the pillowcase away from my face.  The room seemed strange and unfamiliar in the dark.  I gazed up at the ceiling, then rose up and looked toward the bedroom door and the light shining through the crack.  Music and voices filtered into the room as the television played for the baby sitter.  Mom had gone out with new friends for the evening.

          I wish Mom would get home, I thought to myself.  At just that moment, I heard a car engine and headlights shown on the wall of the bedroom.  Maybe that’s her, I thought hopefully.  The car drove on by.  I lay back against the pillow.  Tears formed in my eyes until they filled to the brim, trickled down my cheeks, into my hair and pillowcase.  My imagination overpowered me.  What if Mom doesn’t come home?  She might be killed, and Bronco and I would be left alone!  I turned and sobbed into my pillow until, finally exhausted, my eyelids closed heavily and I slept.